From the Desk of Hugh MacMillan

Affairs

The discovery or disclosure of an affair often brings people to counseling.  We have learned a great deal from individuals and couples over the years about the after-effects of affairs and how healing works.

Firstly, most people don’t like to use the word affair. They use terms such as “special friend” with whom they never intended to be intimate, or internet buddy whom they never met in person.  Sometimes people prefer to define affairs only by sexual relationship, or even sexual intercourse, but the common factor is that the relationship with the outside person has been kept secret from one’s partner.  Also common is an emotional or physical sharing that is no longer shared with one’s partner.

The first reactions upon discovery of an outside relationship range from sadness to confusion to anger, and invariably someone gets hurt.  It initially appears to some that their long-term relationship cannot be saved, that trust will never be regained and that such a violation is beyond repair.  However, we have seen some remarkable recoveries and even stronger relationships emerge from the aftermath of affairs.

The first step in the recovery process is to cut off the outside relationship.  This means immediately and entirely, despite the difficulty this may pose.  Yes there will be grief, but the offended partner cannot be expected to empathize.  Sometimes extraordinary but necessary steps need to be taken to cut off the relationship, such as asking for a job transfer, or giving up cherished community activities to avoid contact with the affair partner.  The second step is to cut off the fantasy of the affair, that thought process so easily engaged when difficulties or conflict emerge in the couple's relationship.  A counselor may need to be consulted to help with the business of changing thoughts.

Healing and regaining trust in the relationship requires considerable time.  The offended partner will alternate between finding trust and being angry and resentful at times.  Patience is required to allow the offended partner the necessary time for recovery, which may be much longer than initially expected.  No matter how well behaved the offending partner has been, he or she has very little control over the length of time trust and recovery will take.  A return to intimacy will happen, but perhaps not soon. 

Many wonder why one partner reaches out to another outside person.  Understanding the reasons for why is key to understanding the needs in the couple relationship and how those needs can be met by each other.  Once the crisis of discovery of an affair subsides, and yes it will eventually seem less catastrophic, the couple can begin to examine what each needs from the other and how the other is willing and able to meet that need.  In narrative therapy we talk about the instances in which needs are willingly met.  The couple describes a picture of their preferred relationship at this point in their lives.  This should not be confused with returning to the romantic days of the early relationship, but rather how the current relationship reflects current needs and current times.

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