From the Desk of Hugh MacMillan

Kids of Separated Parents

When couples separate, emotions run high.  Most parents strive very hard to keep life as normal as possible for the children while the family is being significantly disrupted.  This is no easy task.  Even the most respectful of parents can get lured into over-involving the children in their separation.  Most of time this occurs in the name of honesty.

It is always best for children if both parents take responsibility for the break-up, but sometimes it is just too tempting to be “honest” by telling the children that the other parent had an affair or that the other parent has “abandoned us”, and so on.  While you may feel in your heart that this is true and that the children ought to know, it is not helpful for children to become involved in the conflict by knowing all the details.  Parents simply need to tell children that things did not work out and that they have agreed to separate in the best interests of the family, and that each parent will continue to have a loving relationship with the children. 

So what happens when children ask why, especially teenage children.  Once again this is adult business and the less shared the better.  “Don’t ask me, ask for father” may be a tempting response but it is blaming behaviour, again not helpful in any way to children.  Children mostly need to know that the parents will strive to minimize disruption to their lives and will get along with each other.  The getting along part will make the difference between harming the children and allowing the children to grow and prosper and become healthy adults themselves.

We have learned a great deal from children of separated parents.  If the separation is managed well and the children are kept out of the conflict, they can actually benefit from separation by enjoying more peace in the home, experiencing happier parents, or developing positive relationships with step-parents who can enhance their lives.

The introduction of a new partners is often contentious.  For children it can signal that mom and dad are really not getting back together.  It can dash the hopes of the other separated parent that reconciliation is beyond hope.  Many parents believe that the introduction of a new partner by their ex- will somehow damage the children and they react against this in front of the children.  Again not helpful to the children, whose chance to develop a good relationship with the new partner is diminished.  As difficult as it is to accept, parents cannot control what goes on in the other parent’s home, nor can they control that parent’s choice of friends, activities or partners.

Finally, it is difficult for parents to resist setting the record straight for their children, once again in the name of fairness and an “honest relationship with my kids”.  This occurs when a child comes home from visiting with the other parent and says something like:  “daddy says you’re a….”  The first reaction is defensiveness.  The second reaction is to say to your child: “You tell your dad that….”   While the parent feels entirely justified to respond in this way, it only serves to place the child in the middle of the conflict and little else.  Healthier responses might be:  “What was it like for you, to hear daddy say that?” or “That sounds like something your dad and I need to talk about”, followed by distracting the child to another activity.   Then call your friend to sound off about the trouble your ex- is stirring up, but please do not call your ex- with your child anywhere within earshot. 

It is not easy dealing with children in the aftermath of separation, when emotions run so high, but it is possible to keep them out of the conflict, even if the other parent appears to be doing the opposite.  It takes two to tangle.

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