From the Desk of Hugh MacMillan

Managing Anger

At least once per week we get a call from someone who says: "I think I have a problem with anger".  The call comes shortly after an incident at home or at work during which the caller has "lost it" by hurting or scaring family members, or lashing out at work. 

Anger is a well known emotion.  There is nothing wrong with being angry.  Sometimes events or people make us justifiably angry and it is OK to say so.  The problem is when we become offensive, by scaring or threatening others, or by becoming physically violent.  Often we are unaware of how much we scare or hurt others, or we rationalize our offensive behaviour by saying things like: "She knows I would never hurt her" or " I just need to blow off a little steam", and so on.

Most individuals who come to us have known for a long time that their expression of anger is inappropriate or altogether unacceptable.  Often times much damage has already occurred in relationships because of uncontrolled anger.

The first step in managing anger is a ceasefire.  Time-outs, physical separations and safety plans are the order of the day.  Long before we discuss forgiveness or reconciliation, or what causes the anger, we need to stop the hurt and the threat altogether.  Counselling takes a behavioural approach.  Only after your loved ones or your work colleagues feel safe can we proceed to talk about childhood experiences or fears of rejection.  The task is to identify anger before lashing out, which involves making the connection between body sensations (clenched fists, tightness of muscles, etc) and moods.  Then we look at the thoughts that help to justify anger (She pushed me too far, I don't deserve this, I can't help boiling over...) and substitute these irrational thoughts with more rational thoughts.  This process takes quite a bit of practice.  Once fully engaged in the counselling process and committed to being less offensive, individuals usually find success in dealing with their anger and the anger of others, whether it be with a spouse, the store clerk or the guy who cuts you off on the road.  Slip-ups do occur and it is important to benefit by those slip-ups by learning what went wrong in one's thinking or reacting.

The next step is to learn and understand the roots of anger.  Many are interested to unearth the source of their lifelong anger, which is usually, but not always, rooted in one's childhood or adolescence.  Finally, it is important to learn to relax!  There are many ways to reduce stress: breathing techniques, yoga, changing expectations of oneself, changing one's lifestyle, and so on.  Check out the articles on anger and stress on this website for ideas.

"Why am I always so angry?" is a question we often hear.  There is an answer to that and there is always a way to be angry without being offensive. 

Posted by on Sep 19, 2005 at 8:56 am

Printed from http://www.hughmacmillan.ca on Monday, February 6, 2012 at 9:51:08 PM