From the Desk of Hugh MacMillan
Getting Married
Getting married can be such a thrill…planning a ceremony, inviting friends and relatives from far away to help celebrate, experiencing a whole new status in life…
Some couples add another dimension to their plans. They call a couples therapist requesting “pre-marital counseling”. Once the exclusive domain of clergy, marriage check-ins appear to be increasing in popularity. Couples who wish to fulfill their value of a committed union are checking in to see if they have indeed done all the planning that it is required to be happy with one another for a long time. Perhaps the high rate of divorce propels couples to be so pragmatic, or maybe they have seen clues to some discord. Or perhaps maturity is simply on the rise as newly engaged couples are somewhat of an older lot now. The average age of people marrying for the first time has climbed to 28 for women and 30 for men.
What a great idea to check in before undertaking such an important venture. And what a treat for therapists who spend most of their time helping couples heal or separate in times of crisis, often with the knowledge of how deep conflict might have been averted with a little preparation.
Taking stock is the first step. What is it that each party expects in the relationship? An assessment of physical, social, emotional and spiritual needs is an excellent start. How will these needs get met? What do you expect from the other in regard to your needs?
Couples can also explore their value stances on matters of children, money, sex, life goals and managing conflict. Sometimes personality assessments, like the Myers-Briggs Inventory, are useful tools for discussion of similarities and differences in personality type. Couples are often surprised and pleased to recognize that they do not need to agree on everything or see the world in the same way, in order to have a fulfilling relationship. Instead they discover a more important need to understand and respect each other’s viewpoint. They can predict with fair accuracy how differences will come into play down the road and rehearse the conversation in relative safety.
One of the key components in preparing for a life together is learning to listen. Most couples starting out have a hard time believing this. They tell us that they spend hours upon hours listening with keen interest to one another. Great! Deconstructing these intimate conversations and identifying how each person demonstrated listening and how the other felt being listened to, are lessons to never forget. It is also revealing that neither you nor marriage will likely change that annoying habit or trait of your partner. You can signal how that behaviour affects you, but that’s about it!
Looking ahead to potential obstacles like illness and unemployment feels out of context for couples excited about committing themselves to a life together but it does help to plan for contingencies, because they will happen.
The couples who consult us prior to or early on in the relationship tend to return to counseling from time to time to iron out minor conflict. It’s like preventative maintenance on your vehicle. Some return several times over years of a long-term relationship, as new ages and stages bring new life to the relationship. Another great idea!
So if you are planning to get married, consider this. Add up your costs for facility rentals, the ceremony, catering, gifts, invitations, vehicle rental, photography and clothes. Preparation visits to a couples therapist would cost about $400. What an investment.
Posted by on Feb 20, 2007 at 8:16 am
Printed from http://www.hughmacmillan.ca on Monday, February 6, 2012 at 9:51:23 PM