From the Desk of Hugh MacMillan

Couples Counselling

Have you ever been to couples counselling? Every relationship runs into trouble at some point along the way. Even the happiest of couples will tell you that it hasn't always been that way, that there were rocky times when separation was in the air. Sometimes an unbiased third party counsellor is a good person to consult when you hit that rocky road. Many couples approach a counsellor when the situation has deteriorated and one or both parties believe that separation is inevitable, but they want to give it "one last chance." Others are a little more proactive and come our way sooner than that.

It is quite difficult for most couples to make that first appointment. They may have been thinking about calling for several weeks or months. Getting to the first appointment is a courageous step. Telling intimate problems to a complete stranger can be intimidating. Often one party is keener to receive outside help than the other and the other goes along somewhat reluctantly. As long as both want the relationship to continue though, the process can begin.

So you make it to the counsellor's office. What can you expect? Some couples bring in a list of complaints about each other. Others have experienced a recent crisis which has strained the C077tionship. Some have drifted apart. Some are fighting all the time. It is the counsellor's job to obtain a history of the relationship and the problems and to understand the context in which the couple lives (extended family, finances, employment, issues around children and so on). It is usually better for the work to focus on the "here and now" rather than attempting to review and resolve every problem that ever occurred in the relationship.

Focusing on the "here and now" guides couples to establish mutual goals for the relationship, to try new ways of communicating and to give temporary structure in dealing with each other. The counsellor does not have a prescription for the perfect relationship - you can find that among the hundreds of self-help books at Chapters - but the counsellor does have the experience of what works for others and what tools are useful in getting re-connected. The real work occurs in the home where new techniques for listening to and approaching one another can be tried out. Sometimes these practices involve stepping back from the old ways of communicating (which didn't work) to trying new ways. The reward is in the results at home: feeling listened to, acknowledged, appreciated. When the conflict or the distancing has been reduced, then couples face more serious questions like: Do you love me? or Do you really care about me?

No doubt there can be painful moments during couples counselling. It is up to the counsellor to ensure that the process is balanced and that both parties feel safe enough to explore some of the more delicate issues.

How often couples attend depends on how much work goes on at home. Some couples attend two sessions, re-direct themselves or solve an issue about parenting, and off they go. Others might require several more sessions to stabilize, work out conflict, and make plans for the future. Some couples return 3 years later for a one or two session tune-up during difficult periods.

If you are considering counselling for you and your partner, find out more about the services available to you in your community. Ask questions. Learn from friends and relatives who has been helpful to them. Understand the counsellor's approach to couples work. Getting back on track to a healthy relationship is not easy but it is truly rewarding.

Posted by Hugh MacMillan on Jul 5, 2005 at 12:28 pm

Printed from http://www.hughmacmillan.ca on Monday, February 6, 2012 at 9:57:24 PM